The little one was sick today and so we hunkered down and stayed home. It felt so good. She's just fighting a cold--nothing too serious--but she was steadily going down hill all morning, crying about everything and nothing, and I just couldn't bring myself to take her to the babysitter in that state. My mother-bear instinct said, "She just needs to be with her Mama!" It felt like such a relief to call in to work and just focus my energy on being present to her, rather than our normal routine of rush-rush-rushing all over the place.
Lately I have become aware of how much of the time she and I "connect" with negative energy. Our points of communication seem to be too frequently negative than positive. I all too often find myself asking her to hurry up, or not letting her "help" with dinner because I can do it faster, or correcting her for something she is doing. This isn't how I want to parent! This isn't how I want my home to be, and what I want my child to grow up with! I long, I ache for her to grow up knowing her own sense of self-confidence and capability. I want her to know, not just think, but know that she is a unique individual with beautiful things to offer the world, and the courage to share her gifts. And I want her to remember her mother as someone who enjoyed being with her, and was fun to be around, not someone who was always depressed and stressed out. How do I both accept who I am, and move forward into who I want to be? I am learning...
One thing I was able to successfully focus on for a time today was connecting with her in positive ways. We had a great time crafting together this afternoon, and sat on the couch for a good half hour looking at paint chips and magazines for inspiration as to what color to paint our kitchen. It felt so good to be on the same team with her again, and yet I know that one good day together won't totally revolutionize our relationship. I know that to break this cycle of negativity, I am going to need to discipline myself to see her at her best, and to look creatively for these points of positive connection. I know that this involves slowing down and refocusing on where I really want to be putting my energy. But it is SO worth whatever effort it does take. In the grand scheme of things, why wouldn't I take an extra 15 minutes to include her in making dinner? What else could possibly be more important than connecting with my daughter, teaching her that she has an important part in our family, and that she is capable of contributing in meaningful ways? There is nothing more important to me than that.
**My camera battery is DEAD--caput!--so no new pictures for a while... Does anyone have any ideas why a Nikon-D40 battery would just up and die after only 1 year of moderate use?
I took these shots last week on a painting day, but I thought they were fitting. That bottom shot is the result of unsupervised painting. Papa D and I were talking in the next room, and I should have been suspicious when Little C was really, r e a l l y quiet, but indeed my suspicions were not aroused till she piped up, "Mama, don't look at me me when I go into the bathroom!" If she's telling me not to look, it's not a good sign.