Coming out of the (nursing) closet

This weekend we were hanging out with a great crew of mostly single and entirely childless folks, and the conversation turned to parenting.  A few people were curious about how long I plan to nurse Little C who is probably the biggest nursling most of these folks had ever seen, being that she's 2 1/2.  I talked about my goal of nursing until age two, as the World Health Organization recommends, and that now Little C and I are in the gray area of seeing how things go as each of us adjust to one another's needs.  She only nurses a few times a day, which I'm more than happy to accommodate at this point (I love the excuse to curl up in a comfy chair with my little girl and a good book!)  But there are times when she asks to nurse, such as in the line at the grocery store, when I don't feel as comfortable saying "yes."  I am a huge proponent of nursing in public: nursing is a basic human need and until mothers can meet their child's need anywhere, our society will remain a hostile environment for both women and children.  Now that I'm nursing a toddler, however, things get a little dicier.  If I'm hustling her through the grocery store, rushing to get things done on my schedule, she's likely to ask to nurse if she can get me to stand still for a moment.  For Little C nursing is an important way to reconnect with me and to decompress from an over-stimulating environment.  However, the person standing in line behind me may not see things that way.  Our over-sexualized American culture sees breastfeeding at any age as offensive and something only to be done in private.  Extended breastfeeding is more than just weird--to some it might even border on child abuse!

I'm not going to launch into all the research that supports extended breastfeeding, though I will say that it's out there!  Mothering magazine recently had a wonderful article about all the benefits (for both mother and child) of nursing your toddler, from physical, emotional, intellectual and health benefits to more immeasurable but no less important perks like having the ability to calm a temper tantrum in a moment or convince a wound-up toddler to take a nap.

"[There is no] documented time beyond which continued breastfeeding is harmful, useless, or detrimental," states Linda Smith, an internationally known lactation consultant, childbirth educator, and author of several breastfeeding textbooks. "There is no evidence that curtailing breastfeeding before the child self-weans is an advantage to the child. "

So here we are, my singing, counting, running, imagining toddler and I.  I never really imagined nursing for this long, but I feel no urgency to stop.  I know for me, part of my reluctance to wean her prematurely is the lingering trauma of Little C's birth and early weeks.  I worked so hard, harder than I've ever worked in my life, to haul my c-sectioned body out of bed every two hours so that I could hook my shocked breasts up to a pump that forcibly extracted my precious milk for my babe, who lay somewhere across a sea of cars and concrete in her own little cocoon of plastic and florescent lights.  Those early weeks were so nightmarish, and her tiny body worked so hard, too.  Born at only 32 weeks gestational age, she was not able to coordinate sucking, swallowing and breathing, so nursing was actually a medical impossibility for a few weeks, though she tried diligently from the first time I held her the day after she was born.  When she and I finally did figure out how to make nursing work, it was such a relief for both of us.  I have no desire to force her unwillingly to discontinue something that we both worked so hard for.

So the answer to the question of how long I will nurse Little C is, I really don't know.  She and I have made it this far by trusting one another and working together, and I imagine that's how we'll work out this weaning thing.  If I got to a point where I was really resenting nursing I would be more pro-active about ending it, but in the mean time, I'm glad to let her take the lead in this area.  The most profound thing I've learned on this parenting journey is that it is rarely an either/or choice of whose needs get met.  Overwhelmingly, the best choice for Little C is also the best choice for me (and Papa D too!)

Comments

[Nicole]

This beautiful post about the bonding and connection between mother and child brought tears to my eyes! How amazing the breastfeeding relationship is, and the fact that your body was able to feed and nurture your sweet new baby, despite the obstacles is something to certainly be proud of! It is lovely to hear how you celebrate overcoming this difficult start by rejoicing in your breastfeeding relationship with your sweet toddler! I have/am breastfeeding my little toddlers and it is wonderful for them and I to connect and know that we are here for each other. I breastfed my daughter throughout my entire third pregnancy and when my son was born I was already nursing so it made things easy, nothing was sore, my milk was already in and my daughter did not feel like she was "pushed aside" for the new baby, she continued to nurse until 2 1/2 and then on her own she was finished. (I think she wanted to be the "mama" to our new little one) : ) It is so refreshing to hear someone else believing in their child through trust, understanding and love! By the way, I agree Mothering magazine and Peggy O'Mara are absolutely a wonderful resource! It truly is sad that our culture makes AP Mama's/Dad's feel uncomfortable, and does not understand or see the importance of attachment parenting when so many other cultures do. Good for you for writing about this and bringing it in a positive light!

[Caren]

Wow, Nicole, thanks so much for the encouragement! I am so glad that my story is able to touch and encourage others.

[michelle]

Well, this is encouraging. I am still nursing E once a day in the mornings and he is 17 months. K tried to wean himself at 8 months, but I grudgingly made him continue until about 10mos, when my bitten breasts could no longer handle the violent protesting. I'm surprised Elias has enjoyed nursing in the mornings still, even though his new mobility and active big brother are worthy distractions. I'm going to continue to offer until he says no, and if this goes until he's 2 1/2, well, so be it.

[Caren]

Meeshe, I remember hearing you talk about K being a biter, and wincing at the thought! I'm so lucky Little C's not--I'm sure I couldn't have made it this long if she was!

[Maria Kenney]

Thanks for this great post, Caren. I nursed Miranda until 11 1/2 months, when I had to take an 11-day trip without her. (I remember that "last" nursing, the night before I left; how I hoped that it wasn't the end of nursing, but being so thankful for the times we'd shared.) I pumped while gone and was able to nurse 2-3 times a day upon return, but had to quit soon after due to an antibiotic I needed. I truly grieved the completion of that phase of mothering; it was unbelievably rich.

I applaud and support your willingness to follow your instincts and your heart. Bravo!

[Maria Kenney]

PS -- if you ask Miranda, "Where do the babies eat?", she'll lift up her shirt, touch her nipple, and say, "Booby!" Atta girl!

[Caren]

Hi Maria! I agree that the phase of mothering which includes nursing is rich in a particular way. I think sometimes women don't want to nurse because they think it will "tie them down" or undermine their independence in some way. I have found, on the other hand, that nursing is incredibly empowering. I have something unique to offer my child that meets a tangible and very real need. There is something beautifully simple about that, and parenting gets increasingly complex from there, I think.

[Rosemary]

Caren, I really enjoyed this post. Doesn't the WHO say until at Least age 2? I'm reading up on all this stuff because, well, you know. Anyway, I'm loving your blog. Miss you!

[Caren]

Hi Rose! Yes, the WHO does say until at LEAST age 2, just as the AAP says until at LEAST age 1. There's no reason to stopping at that point, just to use it as a goal. The countdown has begun for you, eh? I really want to see you in all your pregnant glory before the babe arrives! I miss you too!

[Jessica]

Thank you so much for this story! My family asks me all the time how long I plan to nurse my son who is just 7 1/2 months and I never know what to say. I wasn't raised in a house where breastfeeding was seen as normal so all this is new to me and I am in LOVE with motherhood, my son, and the bond of breastfeeding. Your story gives me strength and encouragement so thank you! I plan to share it with my husband when he returns from his business trip. I hope if/when we have our next little one that I can nurse through the pregnancy as well...what a beautiful thing our bodies are, no? Women truly are amazing creatures!